The Best Kind of Thief
By: Morgane Grace
This week, Morgane shares how important perspective and emotional outlets can be for healing and overcoming trauma. As a survivor and performer, Morgane uses the characters she portrays as a way to remind her that she can and will be happy, strong, and successful--this reminds us of the true value of coping and self-care. What are your creative outlets? How do you stay positive?
The clicks of locked doors, my family’s muffled cries, and the harsh, fortified voices of police men. Most of my early memories are less than pleasant. Growing up in abuse, your brain is essentially a messy sink; some of the gross stuff is old and hard and you don’t think it can ever be clean again. The newer dishes could be soaked and cleaned easily. Memories of abuse feel the same. Whether the memories are old or new, you will always remember what you made in them and the difficulty it took to clean them from your everyday thoughts and fears.
So at a young age, I wanted to be as busy as possible. More activities and hobbies meant I could have happy moments and did not have to be at home as much. So, I took a nosedive into theatre-nerd-land! I participated in as many shows and productions as humanly possible. In an effort to wash away the disturbing memories and to protect my happy thoughts from the wear of time, I decided to steal something little that would go unnoticed from every show.
I held onto Cinderella's glass slippers, Flounder’s fin, Belle’s hair bow, The Queen of Hearts’ hat, and Dorothy’s infamous ruby red slippers to name a few. To the characters I had portrayed, their specific belongings were a part of their identity. Physically, it made them identifiable, but more so, could be used as a sign of strength and confidence. They were all so different, and each role gave me more meaning and understanding of others.
Flounder’s fin did not define him because he was a fish, but because he wanted to grow up and fit in with the kids around him. Dorothy’s slippers may have been beautiful, but the only significance they held in her heart was a meaning and longing for home.
Every time I became someone new, I always wished I could have some of their qualities and characteristics. Since I could not magically become someone new in real life, I kept close to me what my character kept close to them.
An outsider would never know why the shelf of knick knacks in my room is so important to me. The shelf portrays innocence and pleasant memories to those who do not know its true meaning. That shelf is who I dreamed of being as a kid. While I was being physically, sexually and emotionally abused at home, the fantasy of another life gave me hope.
Dorothy’s slippers could take me away to a safe place. Belle’s hair bow was a way she could stand up for herself and be brave in a town that cast her out. Cinderella’s gleaming glass high heels meant that a man could could love me and maybe I was not worthless. You could say I was the good kind of thief. I wanted smuggled goods to be a physical reminder of my happiness and success.
My contraband showed me that life will get better and that I have a purpose; to be a performer. So dive into what makes you happy, and hold onto the good memories. Give yourself light when your world seems like overwhelming darkness. Steal all the happy memories you need to get through, because it will make all the difference.
