Psalm 22: A Letter to My Father

By: Caden McDonald

Sexual assault survivors and those that support them often find themselves coping with misplaced blame--grappling questions of responsibility and confusion. Ultimately, though, we must remember that sexual assault is the sole responsibility of the perpetrator. This poem, by Caden, discusses the cognitive dissonance surrounding misplaced blame when reporting sexual assault.

---

Do not be far from me,

You are my strength; come quickly to help me

for trouble is nearing my trembling body

& there is no one to help.

you (of all people) know that

i am not a religious person,

but i needed a savior.

when i am more bitter than grateful,

(more victim than survivor)

i read the bible in search of

a hero.

the darkness around me numbed to a

dull sunken sadness,

(a hollow sort of aching,

you know the kind)

& i spent my lonely days

h o p i n g

   &

p r a y i n g

for a protector.

but day after day,

i found myself alone, isolated,

asking over and over again,

         “why don’t you see?”

it seemed impossible to me that

the ones i love

did not (could not) see my pain 

(i felt it was the most

obvious thing about me).

for years,

i blamed you.

i blamed you because

i needed you

& i thought you had ignored my

cries for help.

for that

         (& for so much more)

i am sorry.

i see now that you were not blind

 (nor foolish,

 nor unloving)

but that you had been playing a game of Eye Spy

without having been given a list of items for

which to search.

it was not so much that my pleas for help had

fallen on deaf ears,

but that the words themselves

never escaped my lips.

you see,

my abuser (your brother) was expertly skilled at making his game

impossible to win.

i want you to know

that i do not blame you

for what he did to me.

the crime was committed by one person

& one person only.

it was not my fault, nor yours, nor anyone else’s

& i see that now.

and i am sorry that it took me so long.