One Year Later
By: Caden McDonald
It has been a year since Caden has seen his abuser, and almost a year since he has reported. A lot happens in a year. In this article, Caden reflects on his growth as a survivor and individual, reminding us that time does allow us to survive, grow, and overcome.
it’s been one year since i was with my abuser. one year to recover, one year to heal, and one year to feel truly happy. i’ve grown a lot since then, but just as i’ve learned to heal, i’m also still dealing with the effects of my eight years of abuse. these are just some of the things that i’ve realized over the past year.
i’m still sad.
i understand that it takes a while to heal, but i was lost on the concept of how long exactly that would be. i want to be Happy right now, and i am at times, but trauma severely damages your mental health. i need to give myself time to heal and cope with my abuse.
i’m still in pain.
i can still feel the heat on my neck and the panic (ice cold) trickle down my spine as you whisper threats into my ear. i can still feel my heart constrict and beat dangerously fast (out of rhythm) when i see your face and hear your name. you seemed like a stain on my body for so long, but i’m getting cleaner as the days go by.
i’m still strong.
now, more than ever, i’m learning how to be good to myself. just as i did in the days that you abused me, i’m holding myself together and i’m not taking anything for granted. i’m doing things that are good for me because i deserve it. i don’t (and never did) deserve the pain you caused me.
i’m still growing.
as of right now, i’m in therapy and i’m learning new coping skills. i’m learning to be kind to my body. i’m learning to forgive those that have wronged me in the past. as of writing this, i am 5 months clean from s*lf h*rm, and can honestly say i’m proud of myself. this may not seem like a lot, but it’s important. progress is progress, no matter how slow it may seem. recovery has no deadline.
i’m still surviving.
i’ve come to accept that label more and more recently. survivors are brave, wonderful people and i’m proud to be a part of this community of people that support, encourage, and care for one another. my abuse wasn’t my fault, and it is for that reason that i’m not ashamed to call myself a survivor.
i’m still me.
i’ve grown stronger, wiser, brighter, and more powerful since i got myself away from you. i’m the same loving kid, with a passion for justice, support, and musicals. the only difference between now and then?
i'm free.
