Interview with Christine Doré Miller: Survivor and Author
By: Abrianna Morales
Christine Doré Miller, author of Forgiven Are the Starry-Eyed, a beautifully-written book about the realities of teen dating violence, answers some of our questions about her experience as a survivor and author, the depiction of teen dating violence in the media, and how books like Forgiven offer positive changes in the discussion surrounding dating violence in youth.
SAYSN has always maintained that support, empowerment, and connection are among the most important principles of recovering from trauma, whether that be sexual assault, domestic abuse, or emotional abuse. One of the ways that we encourage support, empowerment, and connection is through writing and sharing your story (when you're ready). In this article, Abrianna Morales interviews Christine Doré Miller, survivor and author of Forgiven Are the Starry-Eyed--a book that explores the realities of teen dating violence and what it takes to overcome it.
The plot of Forgiven follows naive sixteen-year-old Andrea Cavanaugh is elated when Josh, a charismatic, bright-eyed piano prodigy, becomes her first boyfriend. But the closer she gets to him, the more she realizes that he is not the boy she first fell for. In its poignancy and emotional darkness, Forgiven Are the Starry-Eyed takes you deep into the delicate and devastating web of shame that spirals from the depths of dating violence when dreamy teenage love turns dark. Andrea must find not only an escape, but a belief that she is even worthy of freedom.
This interview with Christine answers important questions about the freeing qualities of writing, in addition to valuable questions about how our society currently deals with teen dating violence and how books like Forgiven improve people's perspectives:
As a survivor yourself, did you find it cathartic to write about experiences similar to your own? Why or why not?
Yes, absolutely. At first it was a little bit scary to take myself back to that mindset since it’s been a long time since my abusive relationship, but there was a sense of empowerment to it, too. Now that I’m a healthy adult who has gone through therapy and proper treatment, I’m able to have compassion for my teenage self when I reflect on those memories. I’m able to look at it in a much different lens now, but I think any survivor will tell you that certain sensory reactions never completely go away, so there was some anxiety about taking myself back to that place in my head, but I think that helped give the book a more authentic and relatable tone.
Forgiven very effectively captures the varied societal perceptions of/reactions to teen dating violence/sexual assault: Do you think that a book like Forgiven works to change these societal perceptions/reactions? How do you go about discussing, writing about, or teaching about teen dating violence and sexual assault?
Yes, I do, because a book can act as the necessary spark needed to open an otherwise difficult conversation. It gives names and voices and specifics to something that may otherwise just be a concept, so it gives people the ability to talk about it without having to speak in vague terms or talk about themselves if they’re not ready to. In facilitating a discussion around dating violence, someone could ask students, for example, why Andrea didn’t leave or why Josh acted out the way he did or what would you do if you were Ethan and bore witness to the abuse firsthand, instead of just lecturing. When something becomes less taboo to talk about, it removes some of the stigma and shame that survivors attach to their experiences which keeps them silent. When we remove the silence, we can start to address the problem.
The plot of Forgiven centers around Andrea’s experiences with dealing with and recovering from an abusive relationship. What messages about coming forward/seeking help did you want to get across to readers?
Most teens in an abusive relationship feel incredibly isolated, which is only intensified if people in their lives minimize the situation, so it’s incredibly important for survivors to realize that they are not alone. NPR recently reported on a new study that proves 60% of adolescents have been the victim of abuse from a dating partner. This is a staggering statistic that nobody is talking about, but if we talk about it, we can start to heal and work towards prevention. Teens can be minimized sometimes due to their age or lack of experience, so we as adults need to snap out of that mindset and take what they say incredibly seriously. The first person a survivor tells about their abuse can really make a big impact on how that person’s journey will unfold, so we, as a society, need to educate ourselves on the way we respond to survivors. The best thing for someone in an abusive situation to do is seek professional help, whether through a counselor, therapist, or even a help line, like loveisrespect or RAINN, both of which have 24/7 anonymous chat and phone lines open for this very purpose. They also have tons and tons of resources on their sites to help people assess the health of their relationships and learn what to do and how to reach out. There IS help available; the most important thing is that we don’t keep this secret.
It’s often said that situations look different to those that are in them. How do you think that this sentiment ties into the plot and themes of Forgiven (specifically, Andrea’s relationship with Josh)?
It’s so easy for an outsider with only snippets of a story to pass judgment on someone who has survived an abusive relationship. “Why did you stay?” or “did you provoke him?” or “do you have proof?” or “why didn’t you call the police?” are such common questions that only shame survivors instead of seeking to understand or empower them. We saw that firsthand as a country when Christine Blasey Ford took the stand by how publicly vilified she was just for speaking her truth; no wonder survivors are reluctant to come forward when we are so quickly judged and questioned for every detail of a traumatic and terrifying time in our life. I wanted this book to help people see that these questions do not have a black and white answer, so I took them through a journey of an abusive relationship, from beginning to end and even after, so readers could experience the manipulation, the power struggle, the complex shame, and the fear first hand, right along with Andrea. Hopefully it will give people pause before they ask those questions again.
In the book, Andrea has two different romantic relationships: an unhealthy relationship with Josh and a healthier, happier relationship with Carter. The contrast between the two relationships is very apparent. Did you write these contrasts specifically to display/expose readers to the differences between unhealthy relationships and healthy ones? Do you think teens have enough examples of healthy relationships in common media, today?
Yes, I wanted to make it clear there are some really wonderful, compassionate, and respectful young men in the world, and Carter is a good example of that. I also wrote that relationship into the book because it was important to me that readers saw how unworthy Andrea felt of an honest, healthy relationship with her dream boy because of how damaged she perceived herself to be after Josh’s abuse. Even when an abusive relationship ends, that trauma will dwell in our bodies, minds, and spirits until we get the proper treatment, so I wanted to make it clear that the journey of a survivor doesn’t magically heal just because the abuse stops. And since Andrea put Carter on such a pedestal and had adored him for so long, I thought it was critical to show how twisted her sense of self-worth became even when she had everything she thought she wanted. In terms of modern media, I think there are some good examples of healthy relationships out there for sure, but I also think that media can sometimes romanticize unhealthy behaviors, too, like stalking or obsession. And teen dating violence is almost never represented, which I think only adds to the sense of isolation that a survivor may feel.
Do you feel that other YA books often tend to romanticize abusive/unhealthy relationships? Do you think this romanticism of abuse influences teens in a negative or positive way?
Some books, TV shows, and movies in the YA genre can definitely perpetuate the idea that a relationship has to be super intense for it to be fulfilling or exciting, which is absolutely not true. I think we see messages all the time that obsession is acceptable behavior. I’ve heard teen boys ask questions like, “I really like this girl, but she said she just wants to be friends, so what do I do?” which is, in my opinion, a terrifying question because it ignores boundaries and indicates that a girl can be “won over” if someone is persistent enough, which is just a flowery way to encourage stalking. I think sometimes young men who have psychological, interpersonal, or family struggles think that they can resolve these feelings through a relationship, when in reality, the opposite is true; someone dealing with those issues needs professional help. But in that type of fragile situation, a boy may feel dependent on his partner to maintain his self-esteem which creates a cycle of desperation to ensure that his partner never leaves him, which is where controlling behaviors can begin, which is usually the first step of an abusive relationship. And I think this is definitely romanticized in a lot of YA media instead of calling out this type of behavior as unhealthy or frightening.
What messages do you have for any young survivors out there that want to write about their experiences? Do you have any advice?
Your voice is so powerful, so I would encourage survivors to break their silence if they haven’t already and ensure they are getting the help they need. The YWCA offers great in-person support groups, plus there is a lot of support online through different organizations like RAINN and loveisrespect. There are also great therapists that specialize in relationship trauma at college and community health centers, so please, please tell a trusted professional about your experience so you can begin to heal. And writing about your experience may also help to empower you, too. There is always someone out there who can benefit from your story. The more we hear from survivors, the less stigma will be attached to this topic, and that’s the only way we can change as a society.
Are there any plans for a sequel to Forgiven? Where can we get updates on what you’re writing next?
Yes! I have finished the outline for the sequel and hope to begin writing the manuscript soon. There is a lot more of Andrea’s story to tell. To stay updated, you can follow me on Instagram or Facebook at @forgivenarethestarryeyed or on Twitter at @cdoremiller. I also maintain a blog on my website christinedoremiller.com where I’ll share my progress, too.
Forgiven Are the Starry-Eyed is a beautifully written book that gives accurate and relatable insight into teen dating violence. Survivors and supporters alike can support Forgiven and other stories like these by purchasing Forgiven via the links below:
Purchase Forgiven Are the Starry-Eyed on Amazon
Purchase Forgiven Are the Starry-Eyed at Barnes & Noble
